A Note from my Melancholy Youth

From : Thomas
Sent : Thursday, July 25, 2002 8:14 AM
To :
Subject : Romeo & Juliet (Baz Luhrmann)

Finished watching this last night. What an epiphany.

Made me realize a few things about myself.

1. I love sad movies
2. I love tragic love stories
3. I love tragedy
4. I love sadness
5. I was a practicing alchoholic
6. I feel empty without sadness
7. I haven't felt sad for a good while before last night
8. Sadness and melancholia makes me want to have a drink to intensify those feelings
9. I respect hate and passion more than I respect love and compassion
10. Fury and destruction turns me on
11. Mediocrity turns me off

Thomas

Moving, Painting and Learning

Aisha and I moved upstairs a couple of weeks ago. We got the previous alchoholic lunatic evicted and have moved in to his vacancy. That dude is moded.

It was a hectic move, but somehow (as always with life), we got through it ok. The couple that moved into our old place are wonderful. We had them over for dinner the other night during an ad hoc evening.

I'm becoming emotionally vested into this apartment. It's a related effect to becoming emotionally vested to this city. Maybe one day it will be home. I dunno if it can ever replace the spiritual centered-ness I experience when visiting Berkeley and San Francisco.

As a result of this, we have decided to paint the entire apartment. The living room is almost done. It is beautiful now. The kitchen, bedroom and closets are next. It's becoming a home. A retreat from OUT THERE.

Aisha and I have chosen our wedding planner. She spent over two hours talking to her last night. It's nice to have a vendor who is conscienscous, whom you don't have to worry if she is working hard for you or not.

Mochi has completely made himself at home in the new place (quel surprise!). I love that kid. Things are finally cooling down and its been a very pleasant week. I find myself calming...down...from my stress-induced July and am beginning to feel my center again...

Fall is coming...I love the idea of transition...it goes so well with tangential thinking...I'm working out of Starbucks today as they will be installing my internet access today...listening to all these 80s songs and the multiple renditions of Morrissey is keeping me at a dreamy kind of equilibirum...signing off now....floating off....I'm an air spirit now...

Summer Update and a Little Perspective...

I just got off the phone with a recent friend. He's a professional interior designer (and judging by his apartment) with impeccable taste and a keen eye. We met in April via a Craigslist furniture ad and both Aisha and I find him to be a wonderful, unique and conscientious person.

We've been out of touch for almost two months and a check in call was way overdue. It turns out he had just gotten out of the hospital due to a blood clot in his lung. He appears to be alright now. The whole situation reminded me of my father and his stroke. That clot could have easily travelled to his brain and resulted in a similar scenario. Shudder.

Being the tangential thinker I am, I then thought back to a few nights ago when I ran into my neighbor. A wonderful woman (isn't NYC awesome?) with whom Mochi and I see often at the dog run. I mentioned that we had found some new dog coats from Land's End (Aisha's friend brought them by as they were delivered to Aisha's old work address in CA) that did not fit Mochi, but should fit her dog. My neighbor thanked me and mentioned she was having a "mourning" party with her friends. When I inquired what that was about, she informed me that her friend had killed himself that day. He leaves behind two children.

Always, always know what the priorities are, Thomas. Aisha and I have been given to saying Grace before dinner. Though I am not classically religious (I'm sometimes borderline nihilistic...a by product of youth I think), this act reminds me that I should be thankful and always mindful of my own humility.

Back to my conversation with my friend, the interior designer...he's snagged a wonderful client in the financial sector whose project involves the complete setup of their new 6,000 square foot office. Impressive, especially given that this is Manhattan and you have to be the best in your field as everything is ultra-competitive. He'll be hosting a cocktail party so we'll get to see him (in sound health again I hope) soon. I also updated him on what's been happening with us.

Aisha and I had our West Coast engagement party in Foster City, CA on June 24th. It was wonderful. In addition to Aisha's San Francisco-based family, my family drove up from Los Angeles and some of my other Bay Area family members showed up. Everyone commented on how easily everyone mingled.

The weather and setting was wonderful. It was held at Cousin Sheryl's housing complex's pool house. In the addition to the spacious interior, one could step out onto the pool area to relax. There were several zones where people could congregate. The food, flowers (thank you Barbara!) and decorations were great. Everyone had such a great time that a few friends and family mentioned that they had so much fun that they're completely looking forward to the wedding. I got a few joyous tears and emotional hugs after our speech to the ensemble. Many thanks to my groomsmen, Emily, my sister and our close friends and family for making our engagment party so wonderful.

Back in NY, Aisha has started her internship at a well known couture house. I won't say who it is, but she has a permanent collection at the NY Met. Aisha met their head of sales at her current part time job and the rest naturally followed. On her first day, Aisha introduced herself to the founder/head designer of the company. Aisha is the most captivating, charismatic person I have ever met.

I'll be flying back to San Francisco and will be swinging by LA to meet with some wedding planners. I'm amazed we're already past the half-way mark of the year.

The Merry Month of June

Aisha and I were in LA this past weekend. Lots of things to do and reflect on in that short time span.

The main reason we were there was to attend my sister's college graduation. I'm so proud of her. Aisha mentioned I should be very proud of my parents and what they have accomplished. They are immigrants who helped all three of their children graduate from college. Being Chinese, I always thought this was to be expected, but Aisha let me know that this is not commonplace.

The ceremony at Cal Poly Pomona was wonderfully small and intimate. I got to meet some of my sister's college friends at a bbq the previous day which was hosted by one of her professors. It was definitely the opposite of my rather impersonal years as a student at Berkeley.

Since we were in LA, Aisha and I went scouting for a location for our wedding. I am amazed to say we have found and secured not just the site for our banquet and reception, but also one for the ceremony itself. AMAZING! It took all of one day to find the perfect spots. I won't spoil it for anyone, but the wedding will be in Pasadena and it will be absolutely amazing. I'm excited just thinking about it.

We were able to have lunch with Akie the next day. She's started her own interior design company and is doing very well. She's got a wonderful new beau and a new apartment that I missed the chance to see this time around. Akie has graciously agreed to help design the two spaces we've rented for the wedding. Can't wait!

I also celebrated my 30th birthday. I usually don't think much about birthdays, but I found myself dreading the big Three O. It is about getting older. I know I'm still a stud, but time does march on. My siblings gave me what I think is a wonderfully ironic gift: a portable Nintendo game system. What's the perfect gift for the old guy? Why, a toy aimed at elementary school kids of course. I LOVE the thing! Playing it reminds me that I'm still a boy at heart.

This was also the first year that Aisha bought me a relatively modest gift. She is usually very extravagant and I was amused to see that she's changed her budget to accomodate our (hopefully) temporary drop in income while she attends school. The hat she got me was very stylish and of course I always need another pair of shorts (shorts are the new ties as the 30s are the new 20s...nach).

The most talked about City...

There's an active debate on NYC that started about the exhorbitant cost of living in Manahttan:

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/fsbo/fsbo-138-bway-williamsburg-009430

Here's my 2 cents:

I live in Manhattan (Upper East Side) and just moved here from San Francisco/Berkeley about a year ago.

My fiancee and I are planning to move somewhere else in a year.

Reasons for our move here:

1. It is the place to be for the Fashion industry
2. We've always been fond of Manhattan from our visits here when we were younger

What we've found is that it's a lot different when one has to live here. Manhattan is OK, but the big downsides are:

1. Filthiness of the city
2. Weather is unpleasant for half the year

#1 is the real deal breaker. I cannot believe how dirty the city is (the word ATROCIOUS is not enough to describe it). I've since acclimated myself a bit, but still cannot get over how foul the streets and subway are. I swear there is dirt buildup from the early 20th century in the grooves of escalator steps here. And what's up with the practice of leaving garbage bags on the streets for pickup? Yuck!!! I am already dreading the melange of summer heat and sidewalk garbage bags.

Having visited other MAJOR cities with similar or HIGHER population densities, entertainment and cultural offering (Rome, London, Paris, Tokyo) that are perfectly clean compared to New York, there is just no excuse. I would have no problem eating off the streets of Tokyo, but feel dirty walking down Broadway with three pairs of socks on.

I realized why I fell in love with Manhattan when I visited in my early twenties. One is that I, like many people at that age, was in my partying mode so of course I had a good time. Secondly, since I visited on business trips, most of my time around town was spent in the evening. Manhattan is a much more agreeable place at night ('cause you've probably had some wine and you can't see the dirt!).

Additionally, the LARGE majority of genuinely interesting, wonderful, outgoing and happy people we've met here are not native New Yorkers. New Yorkers are definitely more focused on their own lives. I'm not saying New Yorkers aren't nice people, but you have to draw it out of them. My observations are that they do not display the intellectual curiosity for other people's lives or the natural courtesy that one sees in cities on the West Coast and in the South.

Another sighting the mystery man...

This time at the Piazza San Marco. Aisha refused to walk any further into the square due to the abundance of pigeons. 

And the mystery man...

 

Yet another glamour shot of Aisha in Venice...

 

Some pictures from our vacation...

Aisha having breakfast in our room in Venice. We stayed at the Hotel Monaco. It is a magnificent hotel on the waters of the Grand Canal and right next to the Piazza San Marco. 

Flowers and Spring

Aisha and I have just returned from a wonderful week (and a half) in Europe. We spent three nights in Rome, travelled to Venice via train and spent two nights there and then returned to Rome for two more nights.

Italy was GREAT! The Italians in Rome and Venice are so friendly and wonderful. I was really surprised how English-friendly the country is. This was the best vacation I have ever had. Rome is BEAUTIFUL and active. Aisha and I fell in love with the city. We have dreams of moving there one day.

The antiquities there (the word 'ruins' don't do it the right justice) and the architecture are AMAZING. Venice is from another planet altogether. It's hard to describe the sheer wonder of being in a city with no cars with travel only by boats and bridges. Gorgeous.

Aisha and I are now engaged. YAY! I had a hard time sneaking the ring through the airport security checkpoints without Aisha noticing. I had planned to propose in Venice, but when we got to the Colisseum in Rome I didn't think there would be yet another security checkpoint. I speak zero Italian, so I got us out of line. Aisha was starting to get irritated as the line was getting longer and she couldn't understand why we were leaving. I told her that security would probably confiscate my food and I didn't want to lose my sandwich dagnabit! This really irritated her so I started rummaging through my backpack. I can hear her sighing still. I finally handed her the crystal box that contained the ring. It was wrapped in red tissue paper and I said 'Here, throw away my sandwich'. I caught her by surprise (YAY!) and asked her to marry me.

Aisha was overwhelmed, but had the presence of mind to grab another tourist, hand her our camera and make me re-enact the whole thing. Too funny.

We then missed our connecting flight in Paris due to a delay by Air France (aka Air Chance). This resulted in us spending three nights in Paris. I won't go into too much of the trauma at the airport, but suffice it to say we escalated it to the point of calling the director of the entire terminal down to speak with us face to face. This resulted in us getting booked on a flight out on Tuesday. We then spent the next two nights walking around Paris. FYI, for those travelling to Europe for the first time like us, European airlines tend to always overbook their flights. Give yourselves a four-hour connection window also.

Air France was overbooked back-to-back for four days on all their flights to the US East Coast! We met some really nice fellow Americans in the same boat and took the train into the city and had dinner with them. We walked along the Seine and saw most of the major sights. The Eiffel Tower at night is not be missed! It is amazing! The Parisians are nowhere near as friendly as the Italians. Every stereotype you have of New Yorkers rings true with them. All the nice Parisians we met were from other parts of Europe or North Africa. The city itself is gorgeous.

We are now back at home. We had planned to redecorate the apartment before we left. We just sold some of our living room furniture and bought some other pieces. The living room looks much better and bigger now. I can't wait for our friends to come over and see. Aisha has gotten into the habit of buying fresh flowers for our home. Lovely.

We'll be having two engagement parties. One in NY on May 20th and another in San Francisco sometime in June. Looking forward to both.

A World of Possibilities Caged Within an Unknown Universe

I wrote a comment in response to the luxurious lifestyle of a family whose French summer home was profiled by Elle Decor:

http://la.apartmenttherapy.com/la/032206/news/elle-decor-featured-home-007306

The eight-bedroom château in the French countryside is the summer-home of American Furniture designer Todd Hase and his family. It is stunning. As the article suggests, it’s hard not to envy their life.

“In the morning, the village baker leaves a fresh baguette by the gate as he bicycles by. In another ritual, the family walks to the nearby patisserie for café au lait and buys dessert for dinner that night. The children take riding lessons. A daily market provides fresh produce. Michelin awarded a notable three fork-and-spoon rating to the local restaurant. And in nearby Rouen, a ready supply of museums and art shows keeps the days stimulating.”

My comment:
Keep in mind that wealth begats freedom and more wealth. Many of the people we read about who live these wonderful lives come from families who already have a comfortable background. Their family's initial wealth allows them the freedom to pursue careers and goals that are non-traditional and gives them the chance to pursue their dreams.

Success usually takes at least a few failures. If they fail, these people can try again without worrying about not making rent or having enough money to pay for the next few days of meals.

That is why it is so hard for poor people to make that big break. It not only takes an immense amount of self-belief, but also exposure to a universe of possibilities that most people never get to see. It is my belief that it is usually the latter that keeps people from living extraordinary lives. How can you aspire to do or be something you've never seen?

America is one of the few places where significant upward mobility in one generation is possible, but the playing field is still fairly steep.

Thomas

Miscellaneous March

When I moved out for college, I stopped watching TV. Prior to meeting Aisha, I did not have a TV for eight years. When we moved in together, we used to argue all the time about having a TV. It was integral to her life and I saw it as the main delivery vehicle for all the mass-media consumerist garbage that makes me wish I had the balls to be an active anarchist.

After having gone through innumerable relationships, I capitulated as there is no fighting a determined woman. Surprisingly it's worked out well. We've achieved a sort of balanced detente as a result:

Aisha loves the Food Network
Thomas hates the Food Network
Result: Thomas now loves Rachel Ray

Aisha hates NBA Basketball
Thomas loves NBA Basketball
Result: Aisha allows Thomas to watch most NBA games when they are on

Aisha loves Law & Order
Thomas loves Homicide: Life on the Streets
Result: Aisha and Thomas watch at least 10 hours of Law & Order on the Law & Order station (aka TNT) per week

Law & Order is what we eat dinner by now. It's become a hallowed tradition.

Next up:
Aisha loves Project Runway
Thomas loathes Project Bitchfest
Result: Thomas has to sit through season 1 and 2 and is now contemplating the bright sides of losing one's vision.
___________________________________________________________________

Aisha and I are going to take our first official vacation together in Italy at the end of the month. No more shoe-horning weekends from business trips. No more piggy-backing a few days off from visiting family. Italy is going to be all about us only.

With Aisha by my side, I have no doubt it will be completely memorable.

Dating Outside the Color Lines

I came across the article below while doing some research on a wholly unrelated subject. It is from the September 05 issue of Audrey magazine (an Asian-American "lifestyle" periodical).

I am neither endorsing the article or saying it is wrong. I am posting it because I think it brings up some interesting contexts that many have noticed and/or expressed.

I think the issues brought up by this article pertain not just to Asians, but to other ethnic minorities in this country as well.

Both Aisha and I have relationship experience both within and outside of our ethnic groups. I have also noticed some of the dynamics that the article points out.

Dating Outside the Color Lines

Is it just innocent color-blind love, or Asian evasion?

What do you mean by ‘dated?’” asks my friend Claire,* a Korean American graduate student who is living with her boyfriend, who is white, when I ask her one night over drinks if she has ever dated an Asian guy.

“You know, something more than a couple of dates,” I explain. “It doesn’t have to have been a boyfriend, but someone you at least went out with for a while.”

Claire pauses and takes a thoughtful sip of her gin and tonic while I look at her expectantly.

“Well, there was this one guy,” she begins, launching into a story about a Korean American guy she had known at one time, who was good-looking, they were friends and hung out all the time.

“So did you ever go out with him?” I cut in.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. It would’ve been weird,” she says, looking uncomfortable. When I press her for details, she squirms, looks away, takes another sip of her drink, sighs and finally takes a stab at an explanation.

“I grew up in a really WASP-y environment,” she explains. “My parents [who are Korean] sent me to boarding school in Connecticut, where everybody was white. I thought if I dated a Korean guy, I would have to marry him, that I just couldn’t mess around and have fun.”

“But with white guys, you felt like you could just hook up and have a good time and not let it be anything serious?” I asked. “Exactly,” she said, looking relieved that I seemed to understand.
But I didn’t really understand. There seemed to be something deeper going on, something to do with her having grown up in an all white environment, but I didn’t want to push it. We were getting into issues of race, sexuality, self-image, attraction, and it was touchy territory.

Poll Position
By now, I don’t need to state the obvious: we Asian women marry outside our race at far greater rates than any other racial group, the most frequent being the Asian female/white male combination. Maybe it was the potential of feeling like a mere statistic or walking cliché that prompted me a few years ago to take stock of my dating history. Bracing myself, I realized that I had pretty much dated the rainbow, with the glaring exception of Asian men (only a few dates over the years) and the notable over-representation of white men.

Admitting the above, I know, does not endear me to my Asian brothers. I still remember the expression on my Chinese American friend John’s face when I told him a few years ago that I had begun dating someone. “Is he Asian?” asked John, looking at me hopefully. I had to answer truthfully “no” as I watched John’s face fall.

Exactly how many other women are out there like me is unclear. None of the psychologists and sociologists I spoke with was aware of a study that measured the percentage of AA women, and men, who have never dated another Asian. “Let me know if you do come across any research on that,” each of the experts told me. If there is such a study, it’s probably buried in a graduate school thesis somewhere that has yet to see the light of day.

My own highly unscientific study — namely, empirical observations and talking to friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people at parties — indicates that I am not alone. Far from it. Besides my friend Claire, I know several other AA women who have never dated another Asian, and in the course of writing this article, I met more — including a surprising number of men. Almost everyone I talked to, Asian and non-Asian said, “Oh, I know someone like that” or “I know someone you should talk to” when I told them the subject of my article.

“I’m Just Not Attracted to Asians”

I hear lots of different reasons from AAs for why they haven’t dated other Asians. “I’m just not attracted to Asian guys,” says Reesa, a 32-year-old Filipino American who lives in Northern California. “I don’t know why. I just never have been. I’ve just always dated white or European guys.”

Tina, a 31-year-old Chinese American who grew up in an ethnically mixed community in Texas, dated Asians in high school, but stopped when she got to college. “The Asian guys are either too traditional and expect an Asian girl who is more obedient, subservient and domesticated. Or at the other extreme, they are too Americanized and have lost their cultural values and are superficial and materialistic.”

She laments that it’s hard to find an Asian guy who is “truly bicultural” like her, i.e., very Americanized, but still valuing her Chinese heritage. “Asian guys can’t deal with a woman who is independent,” she says. “They want a woman who will take care of them and cook and clean for them. I still see that in Asian couples, where the girl does the domestic chores.”
Lately, Tina has been dating Jewish men, a growing trend, at least in New York City. “I know of a lot of Jewish guy/Asian girl couples,” Tina says. “And it makes sense because our cultures share a lot of the same upbringing and family values.”

“I’ve never been attracted to Asian women,” says Tony, 33, a Japanese American who grew up in an all white environment near Philadelphia. “My type is a blonde-haired girl,” he says. “Blondes have caught my eye for some reason.”

Kelly, a Korean American in her mid-30s who grew up in Los Angeles, prefers dating non-Asian men because she feels less inhibited around them. “With Asian guys, I feel like I have to be super feminine and docile. I feel like I can’t be as sexually free as I can with non-Asian guys.”
“Asian guys don’t ask me out,” says Sara, a Korean American in her late 20s. “When I’m out [at night at a bar], I’ll see Asian guys looking at me, but they won’t come over. They’ll just stare from across the room. I always get hit on by white guys.”

Why Does it Matter?
On paper, Dave is every Asian mother’s dream for their daughter: a physician, educated at the most elite institutions in the country, Korean American, handsome, fit and still single at 34. Except for one thing. Dave doesn’t date Asian women. He has only dated white women. When I ask him about it, he’s genuinely perplexed. “I don’t get it,” he says, about finding it “inherently suspicious” that someone has not dated within his or her own race. “It seems overly critical and not really necessary. There is all this hand wringing that two-culture people have about their identity. They question, ‘Is there something wrong with me?’ ‘Are you a traitor to your race?’ Because there would be no question if you only dated Asians.”

True. Asians dating Asians does not draw the scrutiny, or even interest, that Asians exclusively dating whites does. It seems natural and expected that if you’re Asian, you’ll date another Asian. (I realize there are huge differences between the Asian ethnicities — including dating patterns and even stereotypes that we hold about each other — but that’s a whole other article.)

“What does it matter what race the person is that you’re with?” asks my best friend, Gina, an Italian American who subscribes to the “people are people” school of thought. “As long as you care about each other, that’s all that should matter.”

I couldn’t agree with her more. People should feel free to date whomever they want. It’s hard enough finding someone you’re compatible with, so it seems silly to artificially narrow your dating choices to a racial group or ethnicity.

But it still strikes me as odd that Dave has never gone out with an Asian woman, despite having grown up in Los Angeles and professing to being “open to dating whomever.” And what about AA women like Claire and me? Why did we feel a vague sense of embarrassment that we had never really dated an Asian man, as if it somehow communicated something, probably negative, about us? Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but surely the situations merit some analysis.

Analyze This
“Why a relatively high proportion of many Asian Americans intermarry and with whom they intermarry are sociologically important and interesting questions,” Sara S. Lee, Ph.D., assistant professor of sociology at Kent State University, writes to me in a recent email. “However, I do not think it is odd for an Asian American in the United States to have never dated another Asian or to marry a non-Asian (i.e., white) person.”

Lee points to factors such as population size, socioeconomic status and proximity. Given that Asian Americans comprise a mere 4.3 percent of the total U.S. population, it’s not surprising we would intermarry. Studies also show that the higher the level of education and occupation, the more likely for an AA to intermarry. “If Asian Americans live, attend schools and/or work mostly among white Americans, chances are, they will most likely marry white Americans,” writes Lee.

Those are Dave’s reasons for never having dated an Asian woman, despite having lived in Los Angeles and currently living in San Francisco — both cities with large populations of Asians. “Being Asian American and professional, we move among whites and we’re able to navigate through those worlds. It’s socioeconomic. We’re always surrounded by whites.

“My friends have asked why I don’t date Asian women and I joke that maybe they remind me too much of my mom,” Dave continues. He grew up in an upper middle class predominantly white neighborhood in West Los Angeles. He attended an exclusive boys’ school. He never socialized or hung out in Koreatown. In college, he got involved with the Korean Students Association, eventually becoming an officer, and had Asian friends. But he admits he was “not particularly attracted to Asian women.”

My friend Tom, 33, a Korean American adoptee who was raised in Indiana and now only dates Asian women since moving to San Francisco in 1999, is skeptical. “If they’re living in a big city, I think it’s strange if they’ve never dated another Asian,” he says. “I think something’s up, but not sure exactly what.”

“I think it’s really bizarre,” Darrell Hamamoto, Ph.D., professor of Asian American studies at the University of California at Davis, says about Dave. “I think he grew up idolizing and worshiping whiteness.”

Manufactured Desire
“Your physical and sexual attraction is socially constructed,” says Elaine Kim, Ph.D., professor of Asian American Studies at the University of California at Berkeley, “and it’s hard to escape from that.” If you’re Asian, the way you see yourself and the way you think about beauty, according to Kim, is very different if you went to high school in Monterey Park (a community in Los Angeles County with a large Asian population), where the kids voted most popular, the most beautiful were Asian, versus going to a high school where everyone is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

Karen, a 32-year-old Korean American who has dated mostly white men, readily admits she’s been affected by her environment. Growing up in a predominantly white town in Southern California, the only Asian males in her life were either related to her (father, brothers, cousins) or were the men at church. “I didn’t see Asian guys in a sexual way when I was growing up,” she says. It didn’t help that the only images she saw of Asian males in the media were of cringe-inducing geeks like Long Duck Dong in the teen flick, Sixteen Candles, or the strangely asexual and decidedly unattractive David Carradine character in the television series, Kung Fu.
“I just don’t find Asian guys attractive,” Karen says. “They’re usually short and slight and don’t seem confident.”

Negative stereotypes and images of Asian males in the media have had a real impact on the dating choices of AAs, according to Lee. In a study she conducted among Korean Americans in New York, the men reported that they had little choice but to date Asian women because non-Asian women were not attracted to them. Many of the Korean American women in the study believed the negative images of AA men as nerdy and sexually undesirable. This was especially true if, like Karen, the women had little contact with Asians growing up and their views were largely shaped by movies and television shows.

“Television and other media act as ‘cultural propaganda,’ powerful social institutions shaping racialized views in both overt and covert ways,” says Lee. “These ‘controlling images’ also influence some Asian Americans to have negative racial views of themselves.”

Tony, the Japanese American who has never been attracted to Asian women, admits he’s been affected by the shows he watched as a youngster. “I had the biggest crush on Cheryl Ladd when I was growing up. I thought she was the prettiest of the Charlie’s Angels.” (For those too young to know, Ladd is a blonde, blue-eyed actress from the original TV series Charlie’s Angels in the ’70s.) “Growing up, the beauty standard around you is the white girl. As you grow older, you’re exposed to other cultures and you learn that standard doesn’t apply. But I’ve been conditioned white,” he shrugs.

Racist Love
According to Hamamoto, the process starts as soon as you’re born. Asians already come from countries that have been dominated by white people, such as Hong Kong, Taiwan, South Korea and Japan, he says. Against this backdrop, “you’re exposed to media garbage and Hollywood productions like the Last Samurai where the white guy, Tom Cruise, is the hero. That’s ridiculous, but that’s how you grow up. You’re given signals that white people are better physically, intellectually, spiritually.”

When it comes to Asian men who exclusively date white women, Hamamoto says “they are so desperate to be accepted [by whites] that being with a white woman is their entrée.”
He is even more scathing when it comes to Asian women who only date white men, asserting that they are unaware of the history of what he calls “racist love.” Asian women in America started to get fetishized, he asserts, as a result of relaxed immigration barriers in 1965 that created a large-scale influx of Asians to the States. At the same time, you had a generation of white American men who had been in Vietnam and experienced Asian prostitutes, and who now had a larger pool of AA women.

“When you have Asian American women [who are] ignorant of that history and that the desire from these people goes back to the colonization of Asian countries, the media portrayal of Asian women, and Asian American women being socialized into the white supremacist world of media, it makes perfect sense,” Hamamoto says. “Underlying it all is a form of racist love, not an equality.”

What he says next is even more startling. “These Asian American women get hit on or propositioned by white men, but they don’t realize what lies beneath; that they’re coming onto you as a prostitute or massage woman, because that’s what they see, first and foremost, regardless of educational level. Conversely, an Asian American woman in white supremacist America will value anything white. I won’t say it’s instinctual, but almost at the preconscious level.”

Kim’s comments are similar. “Whiteness has a centrality; it is the highest point in the hierarchy,” she explains. “Whiteness is taken as the norm against which everyone else is measured and you couldn’t help but buy into it.”

“Growing up around whites,” she remembers, “I was shocked when I walked by a mirror and saw my Asian reflection.” She felt brainwashed by a white society that told her people like her were ugly and inferior. “I had to purge myself of that thought,” she says, explaining why she no longer dates white men, despite having been married to one. “If I went out with a white guy, I’d be going back to that. It’s my problem,” she acknowledges, “but I don’t want to be in that situation again.”

So, are the experts saying never to date white men?

No. Even Hamamoto won’t say that. “I really don’t care. People can live their lives however,” he says. “But both Asian American men and women need to be made aware of where desire comes from, how desire is produced and how we human beings internalize it.”

Love In All Its Forms
“There is this myth that who you date symbolizes where your loyalty lies,” says Carmen Van Kerckhove, who is biracial and a speaker on mixed race identity and interracial relationships. “It’s not fair.”

Kim agrees that it isn’t fair and would never presume to judge what is going on in someone’s head. Her advice to a good friend, a Korean American author who felt conflicted about her love and planned marriage to a white man, as well as to people who might judge her interracial marriage as a reflection of some sort of racial self-hatred: “[T]heir life is not yours, and in the end, they can’t really know what you as a person need and want, let alone why you need and want these things.” In other words, date whomever you want. Marry whomever you please. As long as you know what you like and why you like it — that’s all that matters.
*Names of interviewees have been changed.

Details, Details

Here it is 2006 now. I've been busy travelling most of January and in February also for work. I think of the five plus months we've been in New York, I've been on the road for half that time. And the beat goes on as my department is moving quite a few responsibilities over to my group. As a result, I'll be super-busy until at least the end of March.

This makes me daydream about a big vacation. Vietnam with my folks is out due to the bird flu. I feel like I should be immune by now given that I got sick twice in three weeks due to my travel to SF, LA and Dublin. Aisha and I are scoping out either the Bahamas or Greece. I prefer the latter as I'd rather visit a people and their culture versus a resort environment. I also have a passion for antiquities and architecture. That should be a degree program or seminar series at some liberal arts college.

Aisha is busy with school, work and volunteering at the Fall '06 Fashion Week so I hardly see her. I'm amazed at her energy level. I've tried to spoil Mochi with as much outdoor activity as I can given that when I'm not around he doesn't get much excercise. I've found a few unofficial off-leash areas at the park near our apartment. Fuggedaboutit regarding offleash walks in Central Park. Even if I get there before 9am when it's legal, it's not that much better than the park closer to my home. That's because of all the fences that make probably at least 80% of the green areas in the Park inaccessible. Did I mention how disappointed I am with Central Park? Of course I have.

I'm starting to get comfortable in New York and it's starting to feel like home. I don't miss Berkeley that much anymore (though I do wish to return eventually) and New York is becoming the norm by which I mentally measure my existence against now. The winter has been extremely mild with temps in the 60s on some days. Too easy. I miss the snow, though. It's the only thing that makes Central Park worthwhile. When Aisha and I were scoping out the City early last year, we visited Christo's The Gates exhibit at the Park. It was ok. The next day it snowed and we were exploring the Upper West and East Sides on foot and stopped by the Park again. This time the contrast created by the orange Gates against the white snow was stunning.

This will be the second Valentine's I will spending apart from Aisha in upstate NY. What a crapola (it's like a crayola, but made of crap). She's handling it well. I'm not.